我的愛
Dear Warm Kind Eyes,
The longing nostalgia, yet factually foreign yearning, both hugs and tears me at the same time,
As reality is as lonely as uncertainty’s gravity.
It sucks me into an isolation — a pair of black holes whose ending follows only upon the epilogue of my death.
But how can/do I let go, when I still hope for its fruition?
But this hope, o isolated seawall, am I simply hearing the wistful echoes of my heart?
Fear and anger plague me — for the little girl who wishes to stay.
As I whisper, my narrative echoes into a song,
But one whose chorus can only be arranged upon meeting a threshold of narrative completion.
Though I try to comprehend, how can I arrange the peaks whilst the story still continues?
Will this story ever end? Or has it yet to begin?
(26岁 — Mar 17th 2026)
My fear of releasing control (to fall in love)
I often have moments of questioning why I like particular people. Against my better judgement of the situation after many, many rounds of rationalization, the result is the same — it seems that I still like them. At this point, it has gotten extremely tiring to keep questioning it. I have come to realize that through my denial and stringent subjugation of the situation, I was subconsciously denying and rejecting a very significant and beautiful part of myself — my love.
I realize that instead of antagonizing and being annoyed and frustrated at my feelings, maybe I can just accept and appreciate them for what they are — something beautiful, something I can’t control, and something I can’t forcibly stop and/or change (especially after my numerous attempts to do so). This is because after each legitimate attempt of mine to redirect my feelings, those attempts simply left me feeling even more frustrated, confused, and sadder than ever before (because I was in turn rejecting myself).
If I still like them after so long and despite my best efforts, maybe there’s a reason for that as well. Maybe there’s more for me to learn about myself — not only about who I love, but also how I love and what I love, all of which can be extrapolated to understand what I find beautiful in this world amidst the greater humanity (learning about my love as is, irrespective of them). Instead of punishing myself because of my love, I can instead learn to accept and appreciate it fully by integrating it back to the source — me.
Maybe that is the definition of love — something that you can’t stop, change, or even understand no matter how hard you try to rationalize it (especially away) — because at the end of the day, everybody is lovable, and if you really were able to change it, then that would be transactional (with terms and conditions) instead of unconditional (to love them because you can’t help but to do so, because they are them, and they are lovable as is).
In retrospect, I think what was controlling me so much was my fear — my fear of actually letting go — to let go of ‘control’, and to let my emotions exist without reason. I wanted to justify my emotions, containing them in a reason that was deemed acceptable by me. Given the existence of my emotions, why did I feel like I had to explain and/or justify them? Because I judged them — I wanted to understand them, so that I could stop them, because I was scared.
It was never about them, it was about me. I thank you, because I would have never been able to learn this without you — thank you.
• [金車厘子] whisper unheard — Spotify link
• [SHN] I Think I’m Falling in Love — Spotify link
• [布朗尼TheBrownieBand] Don’t You — Spotify link