To live the life that I want to live
I have long been motivated by my fears and anxieties: leaving with the intention of avoiding what I didn’t want, instead of leaving with the intention of pursuing what I wanted. Doing everything periphery to what I wanted to do instead of simply doing the thing I wanted to do directly. After so many years of living with my avoidant tendencies, and after so many years of trying to rationalize and find the meaning behind them to justify my actions, I have come to a point of becoming extremely tired of myself. Tired of living a life that never feels stable and fully aligned, because it’s not the foundation by which I want to grow and build on top of, because it’s never actually what I wanted. As a result, I never felt settled, because I never wanted to grow and build on top of a foundation that I knew wasn’t actually aligned to, and with, me..

Right now, I find myself reflecting on the life I have built up for myself up until now. In retrospect, I am grateful for my past self for choosing the choices she did given her understandings of what she thought would make her happy at the time. This is because given her own reflections and efforts placed in building towards the life she thought she wanted, this has allowed for me in the present to have the thoughts and reflections I have now as I have learnt more and more about who I am, and consequently, what I want. Now, I am ready to go for exactly what I want, because I am tired of doing anything else. Life is hard and tiring, and I think it’s time to live the way I want to live.

Musical Accompaniment(s):
• [Midnight Teddy] Mine Is Yours — Spotify link
• [Janine] Rockstar — Spotify link
• [Adele] To Be Loved — Spotify link
• [Chelsea Cutler] If Not Yours — Spotify link